This is from my correspondence with a friend in mid-August 2018. It was two months after I returned from a trip to Moldova.

I was in shock myself to learn about this. My knowledge was limited in this domain, I was an expert in human rights law. There was no cancer history in my family, the mandatory health check-ups done in Moldova a few years before my US trip were fine… My family also didn’t expect it – my husband and my youngest daughter learned about it first … I would have not told my daughter so soon, but she overheard the news… I told my mother, but not my father – he had a heart-related issue, I couldn’t upset him with this… Coincidence or not – he was diagnosed with heart disease the day I had the biopsy. There was always this weird connection, link between us.

A few weeks earlier, I had an unexplainable respiratory insufficiency. An ambulance was called. This was followed by investigations. The biopsy confirmed stage 3 of this horrible disease. Below are some excerpts from my communication with one of my friends.

“It is a tumour between lungs and bronchioles … The tumour is quite big, the size of a fist and a half, rapidly spreading… meaning I had it for a while…I didn’t tell my eldest daughter yet… she doesn’t need to know this now… you know her, if she finds out, she’ll want to come… I have to protect her; she won’t stop crying for till she reaches us… and it will take her at least 4 hours and she just recently got her driver’s license… „

End of August: “Thanks for the links to Louise Hay and neurographics… I have been drawing occasionally, not lines but other stuff… and thanks for the support cancer group contacts… I didn’t want to join it – too much talk about the disease frightened me… I prefer to get all the info from my doctor… By the way, I signed up for 16 credits at Uni… ha ha … I know it is a lot, but I just want to stay busy … I need to occupy my brain with other thoughts than treatment and the disease…”

September: “I hope you like our September photos :)) That’s our new family member… His name is Prince… No, the doctor did not prohibit having a pet – in fact, it is therapeutic… I am wearing the headscarf, looking pretty good, ahh? Like one of the Sultan’s wives… ha ha ha” 

October: “Time passes by so slowly – past two weeks were terrible. The first two rounds of chemo are over. I alternate between chemo and radiotherapy… I had to shave my head.. when I would wake up my pillow would be full of hair.. it was emotional, but not more emotional than to deal with the youngest… she also wanted to shave in solidarity… and my husband too… I stopped them on time… but the youngest cut her hair super short … it broke my heart a bit – it was her first haircut in 11 yrs since she was born… We donated it for wigs… I am drafting a fundraising proposal for the Diaspora – maybe we manage to make some Christmas presents for women with this disease in Moldova…”

“Thanks for Kata’s contacts. She helped me exclude the “c” word from vocabulary.. I am not watching any toxic news – trying to stay away from toxic people… Uni teachers are so understanding, they let me take the exams later… Read Anita Moorjani “Dying to be me” – it’s really powerful. I will certainly win this battle because I am strong. I am starting to have some allergies… I hope I don’t have to eat through tubes” …

November: “I labelled those able to get treatment in other countries “lucky” … I can’t believe I’m one of them… Do you remember how I used to go to Court – ha ha – dressed up smart and with make-up on? … This is how I show up to these chemos – ha ha… I am not yet ready to go public about “c”.. It is tough… really tough…” 

“I don’t know how to explain it, but somehow I also fight with myself … it is because I cannot accept this.. and every time I see my doctor I ask him: Can I see this X-ray again?.. like not believing I have that tumour…. Did I tell you that I started yoga classes? I do more relaxation techniques there, can’t do proper asanas or breathing anymore…”

“My darling, I cannot deal with this one anymore … the third round seems to be the worst so far….. can’t stop crying… it is an emotional rollercoaster … I am tired, I can’t hold any liquid food – they said it is normal like this… I don’t know how to fight with my fears… Resting in bed most of the time, swallowing with difficulty, everything inside hurts – chest, stomach – everything… and the medications … they make me sleepy… and from too much sleep – I am having headaches… My youngest requested online classes.. she wanted to be with me to the treatment … I am praying to get through this faster… “

“I got your gift… I honestly started to cry when I opened the card … Thank you so much for believing in my dream… Promise you’ll come to Paris with me… Now at the clinic… will be here for six hours… I asked the doctor today if I can travel to Europe in February. This will do me good, and any positive emotions are improving the results, he said “

“Sorry for not having answered… In the hospital… I started my day in tears – this is the reality at the moment… I am on morphine… when its effect is wearing down – I am crying in pain… which is too much… but I need to recover… I have to try, but I am breaking down … I won’t be online for a few days… no energy … praying for a miracle… The youngest one cried today when she was here… she begged to stay with me at the hospital… I did not let her… she is convinced I will become better sooner if she’ll be around.. People are crying and screaming at night from pain… I can’t let her go through this… There are two days since I’m fed through tubes….. Happy that X-ray showed that the tumour has decreased significantly”

December: “It rained here yesterday… God, how much I missed rain… Will stay here until radio treatment is over… I am safe here… I finally had a good laugh– was provided with a private room and treated like a princess. Did a short walk – in the hallway!!! Yay!!! and then back to bed… Heading with optimism and pain.. And we celebrated the result of my new medications!!! Yay!! I was able to eat and drink without pain…”

“I am feeling great!! How do you like me as a blondie? I lost 8 kilos in the hospital and I look younger, don’t I? And with the steroids from chemo my wrinkles disappeared– ha-ha – we have to find something positive in this… So, happy we managed to all get out to lake Tahoe – all four of us…”

“On Thursday I visited the other world… I woke up surrounded by doctors trying to resuscitate me… The body lost it after the chemo… for the next two rounds will have to change something in the chemo – I cannot resist anymore like this – I am a vegetable; I cannot take care of myself had not having any strength… Home today after two days in hospital .. not even sure how happened – I just recall chest and throat pain, like something was strangling me… my eldest will come here for vacation… I don’t want to spoil X-mas spirit to anyone.. 10 steps feel like 5 k … the heart is getting out chest… and I am dizzy… I am frightened… I am already having palpitations and panic attacks only from this word “chemo” … spoke with a psychologist – she said I am stronger that what I imagine… “I want my life back”, this is what my husband told me I was babbling when I returned to life…. I don’t want such a life anymore… God, I don’t know how people get through these treatments? Thank you for being here for me.. My energy returns after talking to you”

“It’s second day after X-mas… restarted chemo – the doze was reduced.. This semester I ended with honours!!! I hope for 2019 to be a better one.. My baby was born 12 years ago in the year of pig.. It was a lucky year!!”

January: “Not feeling well.. Can’t do the chemo this week… bad blood test results – old story… will try again next week… but the tumour shrank half of its original size.. Watched two good documentaries “Forks over knives” and “What the health” … Watch them!!!”

February:  “Yay!! I can’t believe it was last chemo – on my birthday!!… Scanning and blood tests in two weeks.. Now, having a treatment break for 6 months.. I’m a bit scared, if honestly … I’ll know then whether the tumour has scared or not… According to stats, this form has 90% chance of returning in a different form – most often to the brain… I have to make sure the disease doesn’t return, I said to oncologist.. He didn’t comment, he just said “Eat healthy” … I excluded meat, sweets, having just black chocolate, fruits and veggies…”

……………….

Four weeks later, at the beginning of March, I received the sad news that my grandmother was taken by angels. She was 86, she never knew of my disease, but the year before, I promised that I will be at her funeral when she dies. We did not get to the funeral on time. The flight was delayed in Turkey. We stayed for 3 days only in Moldova and had to return to the States. Maybe granny exchanged my life with hers?… My fingers were still getting numb for a while, I was getting feverish and was monitored by the doctors, but things were getting better and better. I had a new round of radio therapy. Then the port chip implanted in the chest during the whole treatment needed to be taken out surgically. Continued with blood tests, and I even overcame a pneumonia 4,5 months after the last chemo .. this delayed the chip being taken out… I stayed over a year with it to ensure that the disease does not return… 

I am fine now and healthy. I fought the disease and won the battle. I got out of this with few life lessons which I wrote in my diary… Bottom line – stay busy, get moral support and believe in yourself! It is much easier when you are having moral support and it is so hard when you are alone with your illness…